


the definition of fear

by shinbi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-07
Updated: 2013-09-07
Packaged: 2017-12-25 20:51:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/957468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinbi/pseuds/shinbi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Want to know how you know you love somebody? And I mean truly love them… Not some puppy love or just caught up in the moment… loving someone not as a means to an end but they are the end itself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the definition of fear

 

_I’ll do anything for you._

You would think you’ll be happy to hear something like that. Hear such words from anyone who give enough shit about you. And to know they mean it… well… you should be on cloud nine, shouldn’t you?

 

…

 

The first time I’ve heard such ridiculous phrase was when I was sixteen. Yes, the first time. Not all of us get the luxury of growing up with parents or friends who says such pretty words. Actually, cross that out. It makes it sound like I envy them when, no, I don’t. I’m even somewhat grateful because by the time I heard it, I was able to appreciate it more than I would have all those years back… not to mention I’m pretty damn sure they weren't just empty words.

It was a winter morning. I distinctly remember it because all the trainees were complaining about how they were freezing their ass off during AM training.

I ignored most of them. I’m pretty sure they didn't want to socialize with me anyways, so I was doing them a favor. They were still going on about how it was unfair I was put into the graduating class just as a favor from then Lance Corporal Irwin Smith. (Ha. “Lance Corporal” Irwin Smith. It always makes me laugh hearing Irwin with my title.) Of course, those stupid idiots never mentioned how I beat them all in every and any area of training possible. I swear, it feels like I have to dumb myself down just to understand what they are saying at time and I really do like my intelligence just fine, thanks.

Anyways there were couple high ups from the Military Police visiting that day. To be frank I didn't even bother knowing who they are or why they were even there… maybe I should have because I happened to have picked a fight apparently with the commander.

To my defense it was perfectly justified. It’s not my fault they were stupid enough to use me as their little amusement for trash talks and expect me to just take it. It’s laughable really because as soon as I started throwing words at them that could hurt their fragile ego, they lashed out without a second thought.

I wasn't about to pull back my punches and some of the trainees that were present at the time started rushing away, at least the smarter ones anyways, the dumber ones stayed because… well… I’m sure it was like watching a train wreck happen, you can’t take your eyes off of it.

And then things gone too far when the commander decided to lift the bucket of water that was near where we stood… water of which was boiling hot due to it potentially going to be used to melt the ice that developed around the cannons.

I really should have ran. That would have been the sensible thing to do. But since when was I known for doing what’s sensible? So I stood there, with a set stance that told of no way in hell neither my pride nor my stubborn nature would let me even flinch away.

Some of the girls screamed when they realized what was happening, guys cursing and some yelling at me to move. … And still I stood there, every part of my brain telling me dare not to back down. I didn't even bat an eye, I made sure of that. I simply glared at the so-called commander (who was now acting more like a child throwing a temper tantrum).  
He hesitated. I saw the split second of wavering. Maybe if I lowered my gaze then, or just faked a flinch, then maybe he would have stopped himself… but I couldn't, I just couldn't. …So I merely smirked. ‘go on, try it… if you have the guts’.

…but the burning I was expecting to feel… the pain… never came.

Instead my vision was blocked by a familiar stature. A built that was much larger than mine, a scent that I've memorized, arms that I was too accustomed to at that point.

“I-irwin…”

It was dead quiet by then. Many were trying to process what they were seeing… Even I took at least a minute to comprehend what was going on. The arms that were wrapped around me, one at my waist holding me firmly, the other at the back of my head... that was the first time I felt protectiveness.

But as soon as I realize that those hands were shaking, they let me go.

I tried to look at his face, to see his expression, desperately trying to deny the reality that was telling me he’s probably in pain… But he turned away from me as soon as he took a step back. Then I watched in shock, as the rest of the trainees and officers still present, as Irwin Smith sank to his knees… for the first and the last time I’ll ever see him do such a pitiful thing.

“If this trainee has offended you, I ask that you reprehend me instead. I’m sure you realize the court has already decided it is my personal responsibility to train and discipline him. If he has stepped out of line, then it’s no one else’s fault but my own.”

“IRWIN YOU BASTARD WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU—“ I couldn't stop myself at that point. Hearing all this bullshit that was spilling out of the man’s mouth. I didn't know what I should even feel. Anger? Humiliation? Annoyance?

I could even sense the rest of the people in the crowd flinch, some starting to mutter. It was a well-known fact by then I didn't exactly censor my words around Irwin. Didn't show him the respect he probably deserved with words. But they were still not yet used to it. Didn't understand my way of respect towards the man was far beyond anything words can express.

“THAT’S ENOUGH, LEVI.” He didn't even turn around, but the sharpness in those words was enough for me to bite my tongue. He rarely used that tone with me. Even during the first couple weeks after he had taken me from the underground, where I acted out relentlessly, giving him nothing but trouble and constantly testing his patience, he always kept an even temper. Always calm and collected… composed… always warmth in his voice, at least when he was with me. It was something I had prided myself in, that Irwin Smith evidently viewed me fondly, though he acted kind to everyone, it was just… different with me. The carefully concealed favoritism that many in my class envied… one in which I gloated in.

My eyes started to stray from those golden locks that was soaking wet down to the broad back covered by the thin layer of the white button up… which was now obviously drenched transparent to vaguely show the redness of a large burn.

I quickly looked away to the floor. Guilt… it’s been a very long time I felt such a thing.

“If you were anyone else, Smith, I would have made sure that brat goes back to being under death penalty. Keep a tighter leash on him.”

I remember wanting to scream. Wanting nothing more than to rush at the man and knock him off his high horse and to the ground. My hands already balled into fist, shaking uncontrollably. I imagined the satisfaction of beating him with my bare hands and not being satisfied till I broke every bone in his miserable body.

But at the corner of my vision I saw Hanji and Mike rushing towards Irwin, Hanji frantically asking question as to if he is alright and mike trying to help him up.

I looked around at the crowd of people that was surrounding us. Petra, a girl that I became familiar with as she was the only one who seemed to always try to talk to me, had fingernail marks on her cheek… she must have been pressing her hands so tightly to her mouth in shock this whole. Almost everyone looked horrified… and some were staring at Irwin, who then seemed calm as ever, politely refusing Mike’s help.

I didn't like it. Them staring at the proud man in possibly the most humiliating moment in his life… one of which I, myself, personally caused.

“Fuck off.” The crowd’s eyes turned back to me. “I SAID FUCK OFF!”

None of them needed to be told twice at that point as they scattered away quickly, some of them muttering to each other.

“Levi.”

I didn't look at first, how could I look at his face at that point…?

“Levi, come here.”

Then I forced myself to look. Intake all the damage I've caused for the one person who always have done too much for me. I wanted it ingrained to my head as self-punishment.

I slowly walked towards him, dragging my feet. He didn't look at me. His bangs were covering my vision to reading his expression as he still faced the ground.

“…help me up.”

 

We eventually took Irwin to the medical room. When the sergeant heard the commotion that happened he directly everyone to stay clear. Taking me aside as rest of the trainee were forced to end their breaks early for afternoon training, he shoved a small flat tin into my hands.

“It’s ornament for severe burn,” and with that, walked away.

I stayed outside the doors to the medical for couple more minutes before walking in. I was still a bit too bitter… quite frankly, utterly livid at what had happened… and having no one really to blame except myself. I thought of countless scenarios where it could have turned out differently. If I had just backed off. Ran away when I should have. If Irwin wasn’t there. (Why the hell was that bastard at the training camp anyways? Today out of all days.) …and better yet, if I had just held my tongue.

“Levi, stop pacing outside and come in.”

I shoved the door open a bit embarrassed but determined to not show it. “Stop being such a know it all, it’s damn annoying as hell you piece of shit.”

Irwin looked back at me composed as ever, a small smile playing at his lips. “We need to work on that foul language of your’s.”

“And you need to stop playing the hero.” I started to uncap the lid to the ornament. And the idiot actually tried to reach out for it. “Are you really going to be a dumb blonde right now? How are you even going to put it on yourself?!”

“I’ll manage…”

I was starting to get frustrated… it was this pent up anger that I didn't know where or who to take it out on. “Strip. I’m going to put it on for you.”

Irwin let out a chuckle. “Aren't we being forward today…”

“Dear god just fucking do it!”

I saw the brief hesitation in his eyes, the way he stopped just before shrugging off the button up. …and I could see why.

I flinched. The burn was stretched out from his waist all the way toward the edge of his neck… it definitely looked painful…

He already read my expression before I could cover it up. “Levi, I’ll do it… you can go…”

“Shut up.”

Irwin turned to give me a sideward glance. Those arctic blue eyes… was that concern? Concern for what?

Instantly I snapped. “What the hell were you thinking, you bastard… I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR HELP! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS MEDDLE IN OTHER PEOPLE’S BUSINESS WHEN YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE! AM I THAT FUCKING PITIFUL IN YOUR EYES THAT YOU FEEL THE NEED TO PLAY THE HERO AND RESCUE ME EVERY FUCKING TIME?! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING! I WAS FINE BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG YOU PIECE OF SHIT AND…a-and…”

I felt my eyes watering. Tried to blink away the ridiculous tears but it was a failed effort.

“I was thinking…”

I quickly wiped away the tears with my sleeve and looked to the nearby wall instead.

“…I was thinking I didn't want you to die. What the hell were _you_  thinking, Levi. They could still put you up for public execution till you prove yourself indispensable asset. There is limit to how much I can protect you—“

“I DON’T WANT YOU TO PROTECT ME!”

“Levi…”

“SHUT UP!”

There was a silence… and after a moment longer of making a half-hearted note to myself about all the places that needed to be cleaned in the room, I took couple steps so to be standing right behind the injured man. Placing the cap aside to the bedside table, gently as I could manage I started to rub the medicine onto the broad back.

He flinched a couple times from the pain… though I can see that he was desperately trying to hide it. Not out of pride, definitely not out of pride, simply because he didn’t want me to feel any more guilt. It was obvious though, even from the way his lips were swollen… probably from earlier as he was holding back the pain.

And with every movement, every flinch, every barely audible gasps of pain… I felt a knife stabbing at my heart… and as I saw his fingers digging into his tights, I felt that knife twist.  
I couldn't stop. I forced myself to intake every little detail. This was my punishment.

I hated losing, that’s a fact. I don’t believe in backing down or running away with my tail between my legs no matter what odd are. I won’t show fear for those cowards that hide behind their title nor would I be part of boosting their insecure egos.

But none of it… none of it felt worth like anything at the moment.

I started sobbing. Irwin tried to turn his head to look at me.

“DON’T. FUCKING. TURN. AROUND.”

He stilled.

I didn't want him to see what a mess I was in… I didn't need any more of his pity.

Slowly I lowered my head, resting my forehead on the bridge of his neck, one hand still holding onto the little tin and the other resting on his shoulders.

“Levi…” a hand reached out to grab hold of mine, tugging it forward a bit. “…you know I’ll do anything for you… you are worth it. You are worth all this.”

 

…

 

People are such fickle creatures. Just as their words. Such insincere, fickle, son-of-a-bitch that just spills out empty words left and right whenever it’s convenient. They never back it up with action, they are incapable of it. In the end they are all just empty promises that tells of inevitable disappointment to those foolish enough to believe.

…That is what I always believed.

But I’m still human. At the time, a child, like everyone else. And like everyone else, I wanted to hear it from someone… anyone. Even if it was all just pretty words I wanted to hear it.

_I’ll do anything for you._

There is so much within such short of a statement. “anything” … without any reserve or regret.

I wanted to hear it from someone… someday. To hear I was valuable, I was important, I was worth their attention and effort. And I thought… I truly thought… that I would be happy when that day came. If they had meant it, I might even cry in joy.

But no, it wasn't happiness or joy I was feeling

… it was fear.

For the first time in my entire life, I finally understood fear. One that chilled my blood cold to the very core and made my heart beat dead in its track.

Want to know how you know you love somebody? And I mean truly love them… Not some puppy love or just caught up in the moment… loving someone not as a means to an end but they are the end itself.

…It’s when they tell you they will be willing to do _**anything**_ for you, and you know they mean exactly just that, they won’t disappoint you… and the first thing you feel

... _is fear_.


End file.
